Forgiveness VS Trust

Forgiveness VS Trust

Forgiveness and trust are often confused.  The two are related, but they are not identical, and serious confusions creep into situations when they are thought of as being roughly the same thing.  This confusion prevents people from forgiving and moving on.

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is an essential part of Christian life.  We forgive because God commands it and because He has forgiven us.

"...and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us." (Matthew 6:12 NLT)

Forgiveness is letting go of anger, bitterness, and the desire for revenge.  It is honestly wishing God's blessings upon those who have wronged you.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,  “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,”[a] says the Lord.  20 Instead, "If your enemies are hungry, feed them.  If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.”[b]  (Romans 12:19-20 NLT)

Forgiveness is trusting in the sovereignty of God - believing that His purpose will be fulfilled in your life, regardless of what others have done to you.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.  (Genesis 50:20 NLT)

Forgiveness, however, is not the same thing as trust.

Jesus commands us to forgive everyone, but he didn't command us to trust everyone.  In fact, Jesus himself didn't trust everyone.

23 Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. 24 But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew all about people. 25 No one needed to tell him about human nature, for he knew what was in each person’s heart.  (John 2:23-25 NLT)

Jesus was the most forgiving, loving man who ever lived.  But he knew he could not trust all people - he understood human nature.

Forgiveness should be freely extended to all, but your trust must be earned.

Do you see the difference?

In other words, God commands me to forgive those who have harmed me.  I must not seek revenge - I must let go of hurt and anger.  But God does not command me to immediately trust those who have harmed me.

This is where many people get confused.  They believe in order to forgive, they must completely trust the one who sinned against them (as if nothing happened).  This is simply not true.

Forgiveness is instant. Trust must be built over time.  Forgiveness is based on grace.  Trust is built on works.  You earn trust.  You don't earn forgiveness.

Forgiveness and restoration are two different things.  Forgiveness is only on your part, whether they respond or not, whether they ask for it or not, whether they even recognize it or not.  You forgive for your sake.  Restoration of a relationship takes far more than forgiveness.  It takes repentance.  It takes restitution and a rebuilding of trust.  And it often takes a much longer time.

Trust is a Fragile Thing.  Once it has been broken, it must be restored.  Hopefully this can happen after we forgiven. Unfortunately, there are times when trust is broken beyond repair.  In these cases, we should forgive and move on.  There is no contradiction here - we can wish blessings on someone from a distance, without putting ourselves in harm's way.

An example:

A young woman has an abusive boyfriend.  She should forgive the abuse.  However, she should also end the relationship and avoid the abuser.  Continuing the relationship (and the abuse) would not glorify God.

Another example:

I wouldn't want a pedophile working around my house with my children nearby.  No matter how radically saved he is, he would have to earn that trust.

Yet another example:

A mechanic friend gets angry with me and intentionally slashes the break lines on my car.  The next day, when driving with my children, I have the scare of a lifetime.  Luckily not one is injured and no harm is done.  The mechanic finds out and is sorry for his actions  He offers a heartfelt, genuine apology.  Jesus requires that I forgive him, even if he repeatedly does things to my car, and his conscience was repeatedly smote, and he returned again and again, confessing his sin, I would be required to forgive him.  Every.  Single.  Time.

But, at some point, one of the most loving, one of the most gracious things to do would be to get him away from my car.  Apparently him and my car have this thing going where he can't help but sin when he gets within 10 feet of it.  So, being the loving person that I ought to be, I don't ask him to work on my car anymore.  In fact, I may never ask him to repair anything of mine again.  I don't trust him.  And it doesn't seem to be good for his soul.

I may not recommend him when asked about local mechanics.  I may not thing that being an auto mechanic is the best vocation for him, but I have forgiven him, and my understanding of his situation is not bitterness or resentment for what he did to me.  I have released that debt.  He is forgiven.  

It is the most unloving thing in the world to act like there is nothing to watch our for.  Forgiveness is the first necessary step in rebuilding trust, but a flagrant disregard for the physical or spiritual safety of people under your care is a good reason to have that trust revoked.  

It is not unloving to hold your toddler's hand while walking down a busy street.  It is not unloving to not trust his ability to judge where it is safe to run.  It is in fact the most loving thing not to trust him.

And when a grown up shows a significant lack of judgement or competence, it is not unloving to insist on guard rails, accountability, and serious hand holding.  And true repentance must see and feel that sense of irresponsibility deeply. There's nothing so disenchanting as the one at fault feeling hurt when people aren't ready to trust them yet.  You can't shoot out all the windows in your home and then wonder why everybody is a little jump when you walk in two weeks later.

Don't confuse forgiveness and trust.

Confusing forgiveness and trust means that forgiveness doesn't actually have any teeth; it's grace without power.  But the whole point of forgiveness is to help a sinner change.  Forgiveness certainly restores fellowship, but love cares about proclivities, weakness, and wants to see real healing happen.  

Trust is a privilege, not a right.
Learn to forgive first, learn to seek peace, but wisdom isn't blind and remember:  trust is a privilege not a right.